A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
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[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I needed a laugh this morning.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO