A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
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my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Every haunted house movie:
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???