A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.