Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.