Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER