A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
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Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
#FunnyLife Insects
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
I’m confused about plants
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?