A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
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Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem