A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
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Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Being rude underwater is snarkeling