Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

I…do not understand how electricity works.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

I’m about to risk it all

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*