*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
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I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Fluff me with a fork baby
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.