*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
fixed it
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself