a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.