Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

I beg your pardon?

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need