a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
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i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Suuuuure
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.