Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?