Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

😤😤

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.