Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.