[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
pls suprot
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.