A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit