A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season