A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Who knew!
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.