Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

First I was a pebble..

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

rebranding

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so