A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Good morning
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…