Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

based

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Me sliding into hell like

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.