A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
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National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
🙁
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[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
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When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…