Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

ew if literal: let me be clear

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.