Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Just so funny

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

Man these end times are taking forever

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.