a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
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why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share