A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
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This kinda thing happens to me often
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first