A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
remember
only for emergencies
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT