A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.