Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Note to self: always read the final line

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”