A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
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the gulf of mexico should’ve been renamed to sea señor.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Oh yeah that’s it
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.