Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

I have a black belt in leather

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.