Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Y’all ready for this

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast