Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing