A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
You Might Also Like
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but itās just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why youāre out of moisturizer again.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viralā¦you have a fatal blood disease.
“So waitāmy Vine didn’t go viral?”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint āem like the hamburglar
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Itās like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they wonāt be in Paris.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
professor x: whatās your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: thatās finger lickinā good
Donāt get angry…
…get pizza.
Living the best life.. š
Me: āIn this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. Iām one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.ā
Also me: āI have no idea what day it is.ā
The struggle is real! š¤£ #Cats #CatsofTwittter
The moderator on this ābrainstormingā conference call emphasized that there were āno dumb ideas,ā a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Iām like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door youāre never really alone
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.