A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what