A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
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…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*