A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
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I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
When you kidnap a writer.
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.