Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

yall want some gasoline milk

I’m listening

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

*ernest hemingway voice*

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?