*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
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I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
We will use anything but the metric system
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If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away