A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
This week’s mood.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Otters see a butterfly.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
That’s what I call a flat tire
