A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
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If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I think we should hear other voices.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!