Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.