Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.