Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more