Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.