[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?