[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately