A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
twitter is a journey
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me checking my bank balance online.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic