Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”