A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
A friend sent me this.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter