A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”