A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge