A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
PLOT TWIST:
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Baller is short for ballerina
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess