A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
drew a comic about my origin story
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys