*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*