*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.