Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist after every session

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

White Castle for the Win

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.