a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Saw online –
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER