A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?