Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This fish is cracking me up

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

Breaking news:

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.