A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
You Might Also Like
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
what’s more important?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Has science gone too far?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.