Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)