Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

edward fingerhands

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.