A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
🙀🙀🙀😹
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you