Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.