Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer