A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
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Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”