Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.