A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
What’s so funny?
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Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.