A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
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LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
This is what makes twitter great
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
This why you should mind your business
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs