a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone