Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT