a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
You Might Also Like
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.