a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
You Might Also Like
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.