@dreamthievin: A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
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@Ristolable: 100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move.
@jergarl: Me: IT'S TIME TO SETTLE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT 8yo:*starts playing accordion M: Where did you even get that? 8:*making eye contact* No idea.
@TheBeerGuy73: ...and then the whiskey whispered "You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed."