@dreamthievin

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

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@BiIIMurray

I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.

@Gupton68

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

@carlyken

I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza.
I’ve narrowed it down to:
Pizza Farmer
Pizza Hunter
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

@thenatewolf

*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag*

Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby.

Me: (to genie) take his fingers

@SentenceReduced

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

@ddsmidt

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

@theshamingofjay

Exclamation point rules

! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats

@jake_likes_naps

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.