A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.