They said I could be anything… So I became problematic.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
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I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza.
I’ve narrowed it down to:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag*
Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby.
Me: (to genie) take his fingers
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Exclamation point rules
! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.