A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
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If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
weaknesses
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today