A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
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no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
what are they serving at kfc then???
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.