A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
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At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
so weird how every mom was born today
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!