A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My purse is deeper than some people.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you